Life Beyond Divorce

A crucial factor to divorcees finding success is to help them understand that there is a life after divorce and that they do not have to spend the rest of their lives living in fear or regret. It may take some people longer to adapt than others but with correct guidance, support and a network life can and should take on a whole new meaning.

By now you should have a good understanding of how to support clients in relation to emotional management and self help techniques. Confidence and self esteem can be built on in this lesson. There are lots of tools and techniques to help people gain more confidence.

There are plenty of activities for divorced men and women and lots of information on dating sites etc…helping the client to understand if they are ready for dating again is a good place to start and helping their confidence and self esteem is a vital ingredient for success in life after divorce.


The feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone orsomething. Confidence is often written about and at times over clichéd. What we can do to support clients is to allow them to acknowledge their fear of the future but at the same time utilize the tips and techniques shown in the course for them to get out into the arena of life. Confidence is about having the will to face the future in order to grow and get more out of life. We all take knocks from time to time in our confidence but having a solid self worth and self esteem baseline will help us face challenges with more confidence. 

How do we get confidence and where does it come from? As the definition states it is a feeling and or belief. It is a nice feeling that offers the person reassurance that they possess what it takes to accomplish a task successfully. General confidence in oneself may still evoke feelings of doubt and a level of fear but should not stop a person from facing challenges new and old. 

How can we learn to get out of our comfort zone in order to acquire more confidence. Again, we can turn to the principle of thoughts feelings actions and results. If the thought of going out  and meeting new people is daunting and filling you with fear look at breathing, visualization and affirmation strategies to help you gain confidence. It is ironic that confidence is truly gained by going out and facing and overcoming adversity and conquering new situations but to kick start you on this road then use these strategies that help you overcome other negative emotions and habits to help you get back out into the arena called life. 

You can learn to manage fear and anxiety in a new situation by checking your negative thoughts before you go out or even when you go out to meet new people. Allow negative thoughts to be replaced by positive thoughts and then this will help you feel better and the action will be that you stay in the arena instead of driving or going home again.

 Having taken action then more often than not the results will be positive. As you continue in this way more and more positive things will enter into your life because you’ve decided to take action to get the results.  

Fear…is a feeling induced by perceived danger or threat that occurs in response to certain situations. Chemical reactions occur within the brain and body that cause us to react in certain ways. Fear is responsible for holding most people back in life and people often go through life playing it safe and ‘driving through life with the brakes on’. We have all felt fear at one time or another in our lives and it’s a perfectly natural emotion initially designed to make us respond to dangerous situations. However, in this context we are talking about here fear is more often than not a perceived feeling of anxiousness about the future and is not related to danger. Fear of being alone, not being loved, unable to cope are just some perceptions divorcees are likely to experience. The fear is not real as the circumstances have not yet arisen for the person to feel alone it is the PERCEPTION of the fear that is not real not the feeling of loneliness itself.

Use the self help techniques to help overcome fear of the future. Relaxation, breathing, visualization and affirmations will all help you to accomplish this.

Confidence and fear are opposites of each other yet confidence cannot be achieved without overcoming fears (or more importantly the perception of fear) as to how things are going to work out for us. Fear has been classed as one of the most debilitating conditions known to human kind. It is responsible for holding most people back from realizing their dreams, for staying in unwanted relationships, lack of achievement and for not going for what is rightfully yours in the universe.

As we work on our fears initially it will seem daunting but try this simple exercise each time you feel fearful or anxious.

1. Find a quiet space for you to relax. You can sit or lie down either option is fine.

2. Start to breath gently in through the nose and out through the mouth. Continue you with this breathing for 5-10 minutes allowing your body to become still and relaxed. Concentrate your mind only on your breathing.

3. As you become more relaxed start to think about a situation that you feel fearful or anxious about. As you focus on the issue remind yourself that you are not in the fearful situation at this time and work hard to maintain your breathing and keep your pulse rate down.

4. It may be meeting a new partner, going for a job interview or just general anxiousness. Whatever it is, start to visualize yourself smiling whilst going through the scenario. Imagine yourself meeting the partner of your dreams and you are filled with joy and excitement. Edge out any fear by making positive affirmations about yourself and the lovely feelings that you have. Tell yourself that you can’t be happy and fearful at the same time. Imagine the interaction with the other person and they are just as happy to see you as you are them.

You can practice this simple technique every day and you will soon be able to use it to control your fear as you are out and about. There will be no need to lie down and you can even do it whilst driving. Regulate your breathing to control your pulse rate and then say your positive affirmations under your breath or even in your head. Saying them out loud is better but one may feel awkward in public.

Support Network

Often times divorcing couples say that they have friends that they have built up together over the years and often they may not have kept in touch with school friends etc…so when the couples part family members may be lost and mutual friends feel awkward and do not stay in contact with one or the other of the couple.

 When this happens people can feel they have no one to turn to but there are many ways to make new friends and overcoming the fear of meeting new people is a crucial step in divorce recovery. In many cases it is also possible to stay in touch with each other’s friends and family but if not all is not lost. 

The internet has lots of information on support groups and social networking sites for people who have gone through the same process as yourself. It may be that you don’t want to associate with other divorcees and that’s fine too. Perhaps you can choose a new hobby or pick up on one that you may have let go of over the years.

Exercise classes, joining a gym, a walking club are just some examples of opportunities for meeting new people.

Repeated cycles of behaviour 

It is important to identify these cycles to help clients avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Partner profiling is a good technique to help identify the do’s and dont’s one should look for in the next partner.

Often clients may feel they may never want to date again but at least giving them tools to work on themselves with your support so they can have the confidence to move forward with their life. Profiling your ideal partner  will require you to take an honest look at your past and to identify if there are certain types that you are, or were, attracted to and by doing so you can avoid making the same mistakes again.

 Bear in mind the fact that people can change over the years so it may not be that you chose the wrong partner but more that you may have grown in different directions for some of the reasons identified in lesson one. 

Try looking at the qualities you want in your next partner and compare them to how they matched up to your previous partner.  

Breaking repeated cycles of behavior can be achieved by

a) taking stock of what it is that you want to change. This can be ascertained mainly by looking at your results you are getting. This can be done by using your journal and keeping a daily record of your TFAR’s. Have you completed your partner profile and compared it to past partners? Is there a common type that you go for? 

b) Set aside time each day to look at what needs to change for you to break the patterns. What feeling and emotions are you experiencing?

c) Breathing and relaxation techniques will help you to focus on the issues

d) Affirmations, self talk and visualization will help you to change internally. Remember not to expect results straight away but with effort you can change your life for the better.